In the past when I hooked up with someone I loved (or liked-plus), sometimes it was tender and romantic, teeming with whispers of sweet nothings, and almost always replete with eye contact, where we gazed into each other’s souls.
Well, with a rando I have found it’s more of a get it in, get it done, slap an ass-cheek and call it a night.
When presenting at a work meeting or just ordering the two-cheeseburger meal from McDonalds (this happened last night– don’t judge me), I found that making eye contact is irrefutably one of the best ways to connect with others. So naturally, I tried to apply the same theory to the boudoir to build a rapport with my audience of one. Granted our between the sheets bond will last anywhere from three to seventeen minutes, but still, a connection is a connection. So I was slightly surprised the first time I hooked up with someone and we didn’t lock eyes for the entirety of the deed. (Also, I obviously am only discussing the bedroom moments where eye contact is actually feasible. If at some point, he isn’t staring at the back of my head or some other non-face body part, we probably just aren’t doing it right.)
Now clearly, even I am not naive enough to think that ‘like-plus’ sex would be similar to that with someone I have known for two hours or two weeks. When I first boned with minimal eye contact, I wasn’t hurt, just slightly taken aback. Listen, I don’t need my soul peered into during every romp but I assumed a little looky-loo was common courtesy. I make eye-contact with the stranger I’m sharing the 6 train with, so if it’s you I’m sharing a bed with, I expect the same. But what do I know—clearly I am a novice in this casual sex game, so I can take a hint. The next time, I will be ready.
Fast forward a few weeks (Okay, maybe a little longer. Being slutty takes time!). I’m ready to get down with a different dude. Now, I know the drill. I’m ready for a gaze and close: look at each other for a few minutes so as not to seem disrespectful, then avert my eyes and let it be. So that’s precisely what I did. But as I broke eye contact, I saw him still looking at me—really looking at me. What’s this now?? This chap wants to stare at my face the entire time! Just when I thought I had learned some sex etiquette, I realized– I knew nothing.
I’m not a (total) bozo; I get that not all eye contact equates to deep, meaningful sex. Some men just like to stare. Perhaps those particular menfolk are more eager to please so watch for cues for direction, or they are happy making me happy and watch for hints of success so they can pat themselves on the back– look ma, no hands! Then there are those boys who don’t like to look for whatever reasons. Either way—I discovered that, even though it’s the same act over and over, there are no protocols in sex. Anything that seems standard, is not. So play by ear, and look on! (or don’t!)
- Musings Episode 17: Understanding The Unsaid…Body Language and Reading The Air (regoslife.com)
- Eye Contact: How Much Is Too Much? (inc.com)
- Eye Contact is Overrated (yesandrew.com)